November 14th, 2011
|07:38 pm - # 7|
Don't you hate it when you get the worst news of your life. Well i know what that feels like to a tee. Now. I just got the worst news in the world. My best friend is being deployed over to Afghanistan, Its damn near killing me. I am so scared. I dont want to lose him. He has been on of the best people i know. he has been there for me for the past 3 years. I dont want him to go at all. I want him to stay here at home with me. Where i know he is safe. I love him a lot and i don't know what i would do with him gone. I am wanting to tell him to stay home but i have no choice in the matter. I love you Calvin. I expect you to come home safe. I will miss you.
Current Mood: scared
|02:53 pm - # 6|
I know it has been for ever since i have last posted, so i thus decided that it was time to write something down. Kinda an update of my life. A lot has changed as i see its been almost a year since i last posted. Well here goes.
My life now: My life has changed a lot since Jan. I met an really amazing guy and moved in with him this month. He has been my inspiration not to cut anymore. I am, as of today, one month clean of any cuts. Its a weird feeling to not have any urges to do so. its different. I don't really miss it. When i am having one of my days where that's all i want to do, he talks me through it and the want goes away. He is really a life saver if he knows it or not. Other then the new boy. My life have changed in many ways. such as i am currently back in school, upgrading for university and hope to get a good choice of courses in school. (Post secondary). I am not working at the moment. Even tho i wish i was working. I moved out on my own like 5 months ago again and i was living with a good friend. ( Mitch) then mark moved in and everything went to shit. That's when i met Adam and fell in love with him. He is awesome. I have never had a guy treat near as good as Adam does. He is literally what i love to wake up to every morning. But other then that. Fliks is growing up. She is almost 2 now. and meeks. he is almost 12. wow time flies. I am almost 20. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. Its been awhile and i forget to put all my thoughts in order. I had another traumatic thing happen again in my life. I lost my other best friend again. Grant. He committed suicide in august. That damn near killed me. It was exactly 2 weeks before Lyle's 4 year anniversary.I was hoping to never go through that again. But you know it happened and i am slowly handling that day by day. I miss him a lot. He was my rock. I look at his picture and think about him often. Its hard. Really hard. It took nearly 4 years to get over Lyle and now i have to go through it again with Grant. I miss him so much. I post on his Facebook regularly. And plan on getting a tattoo in his honor. I loved Grant. He was the best friend i could have asked for after everything that happened. Its unbelievable that he is actually gone. I wish i could just go over to his place one more time and have one of our amazing heart to hearts like before. But that wont happen, not until i see him again up there by them there pearly gates. Adam is doing his best to help me through it, but i know its difficult for him to do so due to the fact that he never met Grant and never got to truly see what he meant to me. But i love him for trying and doing what he can. Other then that. Nothing much has changed. I am friends with Alex again and kinda friends with krys and mark. But i am trying my best to get away from that. Its all drama now. Drugs and Drama. I don't need that in my life. Well I will post again soon, once i get a chance, and have a thought on what to write. Till then..
Echo Jordan XOXOXO
Current Mood: blah
November 2nd, 2010
|12:37 am - #5|
Have you ever felt alone? Felt like you have no where else to go? Where you cant talk to anyone cuz you will feel judged and hated for what has happened to you? That you are so fucked up that you cant have any one love you? That you wish you had some one just one person to talk to about everything eating away at you? Some one you can trust to love you for who you are and not focus on the past? and what has happened? I feel like this all the time. I feel like i have no where else to go and that i have no one to talk to. I feel judged and hated everywhere i go. I feel so fucked up and lost in this life. I feel like no one can love me no one i can talk to or go to when i feel like there is nothing left in my life. Like i have nothing in my life to live for like i am wasting everyones time. I have felt like this for so long. That me being alone all the time with no one and nothing was the only way to go. To put on a fake smile and act like nothing is wrong and that my life is amazing. I am sick of that fake feelings i have to protray around ppl. everyone i know. Knows nothing about me. They only know what they want to know. But then i met some amazing people. They have changed my life for the best and they are most amazing people in the world. I dont feel alone with them anymore. When i am with them they understand with out words. You can see their acceptance in their eyes. You know that they are there for you no matter what happens. They give me that place to go. They give me that place where i feel safe and that i okay to be there and like i am burden on them. They are there for me to talk to. They will listen to me. They dont judge me and the care about what happens to me. They dont focus on the past and what has happened. They are just grateful that i am able to be in their lives. They understand that i am fucked up and they accept it, because they are just as fucked. They love me for who i am and i can trust them with everything i am. I know they will not go out and tell the world. I can talk to them about everything no matter what it is. Anything from feels to pregnancy to death to hurt to everything you can imagine. They are my true family. My best and true friends. I am so happy that i have met these people. They may not even know it but they have saved my life in the last couple of weeks more then anything. I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I love them to death. I would do anything in the world for them ANYTHING! and they know it. Maybe not fully but they know it. If they need anything they can call me anytime and i will be there for them in a heart beat. I feel i can do the same. I want to thank Corey Smith and Cait Robson. They are truely my best friends. And i am so proud to say i know you. I love you guys. Thank you so much.
xoxoxox Echo Jordan McFeeters <3
September 13th, 2010
|11:47 pm - #4|
So i thought i would add another entry. I said i would type here everyday but that has not been happeneing soooorrrrryyyy.
Anyways, well it has been a weird couple of days, started to see who my real freinds are and who is not. I got to see the colors of some ppl and understood why some ppl left. It been good. i dont mind what as happened. I started talking to some one from my past tonight and it was like we never stopped talkin. i was so happy. i most likely will be hanging out with him tomorrow. its going to be weird cuz its been like forever. but its nice that we can still talk. its good. i had some ppl walk away or take a break from me. but i dont see it as a bad thing. I have been told i need to change and grow up and stop being so horriable but i dont see what they see. but that is their personal views. they can think and feel how ever they want cuz i am not going to change who i am for others to be happy. i have my best friends and thats all that matters to me. they love me for me and dont care about flaws. some on the other had thats all the see and in the end that will hurt them and not me. but thats their choices right. well i dont know what else to add. my horse is coming home and i am so happy to see him. i even got invited out to bc to ride by one of my besssstttt friendsssss. i am so excited. she is awesome. i am happy we are so close. she is wicked. my life is starting to get to where i believe it should be. everyone who is in my life are here cuz they are ment to be, and who ever has left well thats what they wanted and thats what they got. I am starting to go to church more often and i glad. i hope to get closer to God. I think its what i need right now, And i can thank my best friend for that, I LOVE YOU Girl. thanks . well i think i am done typing for now. and i will write again soon. i love this.
talk to you all very soooooon
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Greatness of Our God by Natalie Grant
September 1st, 2010
|03:31 pm - #3|
So i know have i not posted everyday like i said i would but hey ppl forget some times. I am sitting at home looking out the window and man is it freaking cold. But another update. I go in for blood work on tuseday. It sucks cuz they still cant find out whats wrong with my knee. and it sucks. I am worried. Because they are testing for things i never though i would ever have to be tested for. But once i know i will be happy to knwo what going on with me. lol. I am so bored. Everyone is all off back at school. And i will be home alot more alone. I have my schooling from home that i work on all the time. But you know i will get it done. Then i have to upgrade soon i need a better english for my social work univeristy stuffs. Lol So What else can i add on to here. I have no life currently but thats life. Every one is busy. BUT BONUS. I most likely will get to see CLAIRE soon. I am so excited i never really have spent to much time with her since that summer when we all hung out all the time. When we were all close. But i want to change that with some on the ppl. I miss claire the most. I talk to like Alex and Brittany but thats about it from the summer. Every one else all took the wrong turns in life and have made it hard to hang with. It sucks but its all good. Lisa is now in Lethbridge and it sucks cuz i dont get to see one of my best friends in like ever. I will get to see her once in while. But i did get to see her one last time before she left. We spent like 5 hours just sitting in my truck out in the middle of no where just talking about everything in life. I am going to miss thoughs times with her. She and i have been through so much together. And we both no that no matter what we will always have each other no matter the distance apart we are. And i love her for that. I am starting to see that i dont really have many GOOD friends anymore. But thats ok. They ones i have are the ones that matter most. Its weird to think about the freinds i had growing up. are not the ppl you thought that they will be or would be. They are far from it. But thats a part of growing up. I am starting a diet plan and such. And i will be really happy once i start looking better. and i get to bring my horse home soon. That i am excited about. My life is starting to fall in to place finally. and it about time. Lexi is off to college and i am sooooooo proud of her. Claire is back in unny and i proud of her... Lisa as well, everything it better. Even me.... I will be going back to school. But this time... UNIVERISTY WOOT WOOT. lol
I have been doing alot of thinking and i am worried about some things. Like me and my boy him and i are so different its scary. Like he doesnt like country stuff at all. and i am a big country head. Its weird. I know its going to be really hard to talk to him about anything that has to do with what i love. But How far is love willing to go to make it work.??? I ask my self that all the time. How far am i willing to go not talking about what i love in life and what i want.???? How far am i willing to push it all aside for love??? I would love to know the answers to those questions. I know alot of ppl ask the same things and they dont even know what to say. I wish i had some one to talk to about this stuff. Help me and give me advice on this stuff. But i dont. But i will have figure out that i want right. Forever is not really forever anymore. And thats what i am see. We tell eachother we will be together forever. Really? How long is forever anymore? Does he really think that Death Due Us Part is true???? Does he think that i am the only one for him???? I Dont know. Dont i know that i want to be closed off forever??? Do i want to be some one i am not for ever???? Do i want to be with some one for ever that hates what i love??? I just dont know. And i know when this is read by certian ppl they will comment or call me or talk to me about all this. And be like i didnt know you felt this way. I dont even know how i feel anymore. Every is so different and new and weird and just fucked. What do you think i should do???? I feel so far away from where everything should be..... I feel no guidance... i feel alone.... i feel lost. What to do... Should i turn to God??? Should i go to church??? Will the bible help???? I donno anymore. HELP.
Current Location: Canada, Cochrane
Current Mood: fuck
Current Music: Closer to Love by Matt Kearney
August 30th, 2010
|08:52 pm - #2|
Well, I have not posted in a long while so i decided maybe it should be a good time to just update everyone on my life. Well What is there to post about. I have a 6 month old puppy who is a pain in my ass, but i love her just the same. She is a ball of fun. She is so hyper and energitc all the time. But thats her. I have a loving boyfriend that treats me great. At first we had our rocky ness and broke up a couple of times but that happens. He is amazing he worships the ground i walk on and i love it. He is currently takeing his law degree in university. I am so proud of him. He is also a Canadian Soldier. And i am super proud of hime for wanting to do that. I will miss him when he leaves though. Then of course you cant forget. Lexi. Her and i have been through a bunch of rough patches and they do not need to be named becuase she and i both know exactly what i am talking about. Her and i are now okay which i think we are anyways. I still have no figured out what is wrong with my knee. I hope we do. lol I dont really know what else to type in here. OHHHH YA..... Austin and i are really not that close anymore and we are fighting more then ever. I hate it because him and i were so close at one point but that is all different now. I am thinking that i might start posting more regular and more often on here. And see what happens. I do have a journal in which i write most of what is happening in it. But this is much easier. But i am starting to go to the gym more often now. I need to lose weight. All my doctors and chrio say its in my best interest or i am going to be in trouble in the next few years. I dont want that. I rather be in shape. So starting on thursday of to the gym i goooooooooo. hi ho hi ho working out here i go.... lol sorry about that. just being random. I also have to start eating better. I am thinking about talkint to lexi and seeing if we can be work out buddies. even tho we are so far apart. We can just use LIVE JOURANL as our home base. We should type out what we ate how many calories there is in everything and how much daily activity we did. Like for her i think it will be mainly walking but that is a good start. And then when we do see each other again. We will be like LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME.. and all happier. I believe it will make us both happier and we wouldnt fight half as much as we used to. But that is up to her. I am going to do it euther way. I have notcied that it is getting colder and colder out here in cochrane. it is only like plus 5 right now. and it sucks. cuz i am just setting in to my summer mood and now it got to go to winter. lol. SHIT NO WINTER CLOTHES. Oh well i will have to see what i can do. I am also getting more in to reading and learning more in to my vocabulary. And i think if you read this over, there will be less mistakes than before. HEHEHE. Also, i have to go sign up for income asstaince as well as upgrading for school. I am going to call st.tims and see what i can do. See if there is any way i can come in and upgrade this year. If not i will just go to the adult school here in cochrane and sign up for english. I need 30-1 not 30-2 so i can got to univeristy in the fall of 2011. I am going to take my social work degree and then i am moving. but i have not told LEXI yet, And i gues she will find out when she reads it here ( i bet she just called me and asked WHAT!?!?!?! WHERE!?!?!! WHEN!?!?!? WITH WHO!>!>!!) but that her. So i wont type in here where i am going so i can tell her my self. I am excited, it time i grow up and start figureing everything out for my self. ADULT TIME!!!! lol Any who i think i am pretty much done typeing for now. As my window is open and my fingers are starting to freeze offffffff!!!!! BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Any ways I will post tomorrow. LOVE YOU ALL.... CALL ME LEXI!!!!!
Current Mood: weird
July 6th, 2010
|08:53 pm - #1|
The Distance less traveled is a road of shattered dreams
The pain and sorrows left behind are backward flowing streams
You go through life imagining all the things you want
But before you understand them all they'll do is haunt
I been alive for 20 years I watched them come and go
And here I sit again my friend not having any to hold
So take my word I mean you well embrace your life right now
For right before your weary eyes, you'll wonder when and how.
I made mistakes throughout my life; I've tried to make them right
But each and every time I try I end up here at night
I can't explain the way things work I just know that they are
Don't look too much ahead of you; you may just look too far
Love is another option; you'll have throughout your life
But always keep in mind my friend; it can hurt much like a knife
It can wake you every morning, or put you in your grave
Everyone must take that fall, just stand there and be brave
At some point in your life, you'll find a special friend
One that disregards your flaws and loves you till the end
Don't confuse the love you feel it's different than before
Hold on tight to what it is, letting go will make you poor
A best friend in my eyes is much more than friend
Its understanding, loyalty, dedication to the end
Its long car rides, swings and slides, its ice cream late at night
It's sharing thoughts, and frozen drinks, it's that petty little fight
My friend I share these feelings to let you know I care
I'd never turn my back on you, not even on a dare
So understand this one last thing before I say goodbye
I made this poem just for you, my best friend till I die'